Too often anymore I feel like I’m not partaking in the little things that make life….worth it. That sounds odd and vague and I wish I could further elaborate but I can’t really.

This morning was the first of the last 4 that I woke up withOUT a throbbing headache. Saturday-Monday morning I woke up around 5am all three days stumbling through the house looking for pain reliever because my head was hurting so bad and I just wanted to go back to sleep. Anymore, I feel like my primary objective in life is simply to avoid the inevitable pain at all costs. That’s a basic summary of my life these days…inevitable pain.

I think I’m stewing in negativity these days. I’m floundering. I’m aimless. I’m restless. I’m so damn still. I’m hopeless.
I’m just looking for something.

I think I’m enjoying shooting these organic images much more than people are enjoying looking at them (“Where the hell are the naked women?!”) but I’m reveling in the serenity they bring.

Side note: Thanks to those recent fans of my work who have signed up to my mailing list regarding my EDIT project. I promise it’s coming soon and to all those who signed up in the beginning I can’t thank you enough for your patience. I’ll be sending out an email as the launch nears!

It’s always both exciting and nerve-wracking when shooting a brand-new model. Exciting because it’s new and fresh and inspiring. Nerve-wracking because expectations are all over the place. Not only is Edie a new model to me, but she’s also a new model having never really modeled before. Edie Adelstein is the Arts Editor (and quite an amazing writer) at the alt-weekly I currently work for as a graphic designer and it only just recently came to my attention (despite us having worked together for several years now) that she was interested in modeling for me. And boy am I grateful that it did. Not only is she beautiful but she’s a rare natural and seems completely at ease in front of the camera. I absolutely can’t wait to shoot more of her in the future! See my Flickr for many many more from this awesome shoot. (I had trouble selecting just one image for this blog post.)

Low self-esteem and I are old pals. We go way back to my early teenage years. Before that, I firmly believe I was a cute little girl. Something either changed in my mind or in my physical appearance a mere few years later, I’m still unsure which. As I got a little older, I stopped minding the reflection in the mirror so much, even being satisfied with it some days. But each time I saw myself in a photo someone else unwittingly snapped, I would again be thrown into the depths of (superficial) despair. “Do I really look like that?? Why isn’t that what I see in the mirror?? How can people stand to look at me!” etc. etc. over and over in my mind. This still occurs to this day. I’ve become so afraid and guarded that I rarely allow anyone else to take pictures of me. When I get in front of my own camera, I’m fully aware of what angles and views are off limits. I also ALWAYS make stupid faces because, for some reason, I can look at those without wanting to gag. I’m under the assumption that I’m less ugly when I make stupid faces. Whether this is true or not, I’m unsure. I’m also still unsure if I’m delusional when I look in the mirror and sometimes like what I see or if I’m just completely and unfortunately totally unphotogenic. I’d of course hope for the latter over the former. Either way, as most women do, there are a million things I wish I could change about myself but can’t…especially as I get older.

The picture above is a self-portrait shot yesterday in my backyard. It was one of about 15 or so. This was the only one I deemed acceptable. The rest will be garbage. This is a rare photo of me at a straight-on angle NOT making a stupid face, not even smiling. I think I look old and tired but I can look at it and not look away and that’s a good thing.

I suppose I’m extremely lucky to have such beautiful women in my life to photograph. That way I can continue what I do best: staying behind the camera, right where I belong.